Another step toward...?

This week was another opportunity to engage in an activity I really enjoy.  I presented “Analytic Methodology + Change Management = Business Value” at the 2014 INFORMSConference .  One of the conference organizers had seen me present the same information at a Big Data Conference at Ohio State a few years ago and thought it would be a good addition to the conference track he was developing. 

When he called me in January to invite me to speak he said, “I really wanted you to present last year and was disappointed when I learned your schedule wouldn’t permit you to present.” I said, “You were no more disappointed than I was that I was busy last April.”  I crack myself up.

I’ve been presenting at industry conferences and webinars for at least 10 years since my old boss, Monica Woolmer, took me under her wing and we co-presented at the Teradata Partners Conference in Seattle in 2004 (?).  The night after our presentation, a rather drunk fellow from New Zealand was telling me how much he enjoyed our presentation.  I thanked him and he asked me to dance with him.  I explained I don’t dance at professional conferences (I’m a terrible dancer so it undermines my data geek street cred).  He became more and more insistent until he flipped me over his shoulder and carried me out to the dance floor.  Thank goodness we passed by my tall, Norseman looking friend Sturla (he should look Norse, he is from Norway) and Sturla extricated me from the kiwi’s shoulder and guided me off the dance floor.  As you can tell, I’m quite an inspirational speaker, at least within the data geek community.  (This was also the year that my dancing embargo brought Monica and Luke together leading to her move to Australia and their marriage, and my epic arm wrestling tourney that won Luke $200 from betting on me.  7-1 record baby!).

When people see me now, it really appears that I’m back to normal, or as I say to people when they point out that I was not normal before, that I’m back to my old version of abnormal.  And, from a physical perspective, that’s pretty true.  I look and act pretty consistently with how I did before I got sick.  This blog has shared some of the ways I’ve changed emotionally. One of the changes I haven’t discussed much is how I’ve changed intellectually.

There’s a side effect from chemo, especially the high dose chemo I underwent, called “chemo brain”.  There are times when I’ve felt that my brain “just don’t work right” to use a Southern colloquialism.   I’ve encountered each of these examples from the American Cancer Society—

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)
• Trouble concentrating (they can’t focus on what they’re doing, have a short attention span, may “space out”)
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one task (they are less able to do more than one thing at a time)
• Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)
• Trouble remembering common words (unable to find the right words to finish a sentence)

This column from a Multiple Myeloma patient entitled "What Happened To My Organizational Skills And Focus?" captures a lot of what’s happened to me.    I was expressing to Alan my frustration over my difficulty remembering details, especially names.  He said, “Well some of that is aging.  Just the other day I was having trouble remembering the name of someone I worked with in St. Augustine.”  I replied (and the all caps do not do justice to the vigor of my response), “I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT FORGETTING THE NAME OF SOMEONE I WORKED WITH 25 YEARS AGO.  I’M TALKING ABOUT FORGETTING THE NAME OF SOMEONE I TALKED TO 25 MINUTES AGO!”   I’ve accessed our online corporate directory more in the months since I’ve been back than I have in the preceding 8 years.

The issue with being unable to find the right words to finish a sentence is especially frustrating for me.  A strong vocabulary and precise language has always been important to me and a skill that has helped me in my career.  I can usually find the word I’m looking for but rather than it taking a few seconds, I now have to think about it for a few minutes…or use a thesaurus if one’s available.

One function they say is particularly impacted is “executive function”.  Here’s a description of the activities included in executive function—

Executive function refers to a set of mental skills that are coordinated in the brain's frontal lobe. Executive functions work together to help a person achieve goals.

Executive function includes the ability to:

 manage time and attention

 switch focus

 plan and organize

 remember details

curb inappropriate speech or behavior

integrate past experience with present action

OK, so I wasn’t that good with the curbing inappropriate speech or behavior before but I was pretty solid on the other things.  Bottom line, I’m an executive and should probably have good executive function.

I’ve always felt that my executive function and intellect has been a key to my professional success.  And it’s been pretty scary trying to function with it being reduced.  As I work on a problem or try to design the new org I’m tasked with creating, there are times where I feel like my brain just won’t get any traction.  I’m thinking hard, but my wheels keep spinning and I can’t make progress.  Supposedly, this will improve over time but who knows how long it will take.

This chemo brain issue is why I was so nervous about giving my presentation today.  Would I be able to stay focused and remember details?  Or would I step out there and have nothing to say beyond the words I had on my slide?  Remembering and sharing the details is what has always made my presentations effective—the slides show the concepts and I tell the story of the details behind the concepts.

Thankfully, today went well.  I was worried about how I would react if my treatment took away something I’ve enjoyed so much.  My chemo brain didn’t betray me.   I’ll just have to deal with my thinking struggles hoping that it will improve over time.  It’s just another challenge for me to overcome as I deal with this disease and treatment.  As I said last year about this time when facing my second day of stem cell harvesting, “So, its time to suck it up and move ahead.”

As I think about where I’m moving to, it’s not a “new normal.”   That is linked to an old normal and I don’t want my future linked to my past.   It’s not “normal” because, as folks remind me regularly, normal isn’t part of my idiom.  Its another example of how I’ve looked for a simple label for something and that simple label doesn’t exist.  Maybe I’ll just go with I’m moving to where “I Am.”  I’ll let you decide if that “I Am” is inspired by God or Popeye.  In my case, both are fitting.