OK, so now what?

This post has been a long time coming.  I've been turning it over in my head for many, many months.  I'm not sure why I feel comfortable writing it now...maybe it's the approach of the holiday season, maybe it's the recent suicide of a former work colleague, maybe it's the knowledge that I'll have an empty nest in about 624 days (but who's counting), maybe it's the overwhelming sense of normalcy these days, maybe it's a combination of all of those.

When people ask me how I'm doing these days, or more specifically how my health is, I usually reply with, "It's pretty much back to normal.  I'm in remission, my damaged organs are recovering and I just have follow-up care until something changes."  And that's true physically.  Emotionally, it's a bit of a different story.

Emotionally, I look around and think, "OK, so now what?"  Many people fighting serious illnesses talk/write about "not being defined by their disease" but sometimes I think maybe I was defined by my fight.  Now that this round is over...OK, so now what?  I look around and see how much of my life these last two years has been focused on my health.  After that, it's been about supporting Claire in her school and sports activities.  Knowing the first is gone and the second soon will be..OK, so now what?

I don't really have any buddies in this area.   My two best friends are 350 and 2,000 miles away.  Yes, I have a lot of friends in this area and a really wide social circle.  But that expanse doesn't mean that I don't miss having a few close buddies.  You know...the ones who you know that every Friday night, you'll head out to have wings or who call you and say, "I'm watching a movie tonight,  Grab some wine and come over".  It's pretty much the same situation at work.  I'm just missing those 2-3 "go to" friends that you know if they're doing something, you're going to be a part of it.

I found that during my illness and recovery, I was suspended between these two poles in sort of a no-man's land.  I was the center of attention but on the periphery of action and interaction.  As I recovered, I got a lot of, "We need to catch up,  we'll have you over for dinner" but the invites never came.  Or, "We had this get together and we were going to invite you but we weren't sure if you were up to it."

Things weren't all that great before I got sick.  I was wrapped up in work and Claire's activities.  (Or maybe I was/am an a-hole.) Those things aren't as consuming as they once were.  I guess my experience has made me see some deficiencies in my current life.  Just like when I first got out of the hospital and spent a lot of time looking around the house at things that needed to be improved here, creating a lengthy "honey do" list, I've been developing my "Kathy do" list.  Unfortunately, there's not an entire industry with multiple store chains and TV networks devoted to my fixer upper.

There are times when I think I'm being petty and ungrateful.  I consider folks with my disease who would love to have this set of problems and I remind myself how fortunate I am to be alive and living a normal life.  But then I think, "Aren't these normal expectations all part of being normal?"  Except things aren't normal.

As you can see, I've got a lot to figure out.  Do I move back to Florida where I think I've got some buddies?  Do I try to build something here I've never really had in my almost 9 years of living here and if so, how?  Do I reset my expectations?  It's like an episode of "Love It or List It" for my social life.

I do know that I'll continue to try to get up every day knowing that if I'm alive and not incapacitated with illness or treatment, there's something God wants me to do.  That's where my focus has been and where it will continue to be.  Like so many challenges throughout this journey, I just need to do what God puts in front of me and trust that He'll work the rest of it out in just the right way, at just the right time.

The "13 Wardrobe"

I finally had a chance to get my winter clothes out and put my summer and fall clothes away.  I decided it would be a good time to go through my clothes and purge things I didn't wear anymore.

I usually follow the rule of "if I haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it."  That works great....unless you have a two year period during which your normal wardrobe doesn't fit, as I have.  During the winter of 2013, I was so bloated that I had to wear really blousy shirts and elastic waist pants.  While I was better in the winter of 2014, I still couldn't wear much of my normal wardrobe.

So, now it's been almost three years since I bought any "normal" clothes so the nice work pants that I do have are waaaaaaay out of style.  I had to get rid of most of my "normal" winter work pants.  Yes, it's an excuse to go shopping but I don't like to go shopping, especially for work clothes, and I don't really want to spend money on that now, anyway.

I also got rid of many of the blousy shirts and elastic waist pants that were the staple of my wardrobe from May 2013-April 2014.  When I would show something to Alan that I was getting rid of, he'd ask, "Is that a 13?" ie did you buy that in 2013.  If I said, "Yes", he'd say "pitch it."

I do get the feeling that I'm tempting fate when I get rid of those clothes...like I should keep them around in case I need them again. And if I keep them, I won't need them but if I get rid of them....Logic tells me that I shouldn't live my life preparing to relapse but being a Gator fan has made me pretty superstitious.  I've been banished and have banished others to inconvenient locations during Gator viewing parties because the team started doing well.

Logic did prevail and I did get rid of them.  I hope my co-workers will understand if they see the same pants or skirt a bit too regularly since the wardrobe is really depleted.  I figure if the male anchor on the Australian Today show can wear the same suit for a year ( read the story here ), I'll be OK if I wear a pair of pants more often than I'd like.  I promise you they'll be clean.