Hospital Memories

This benediction showed up on my Facebook feed last week:

In the quiet of this place, in the dark of the night, I wait and watch. The senses of my heart are awake to you. In the stillness of my soul, I search in the silence of my spirit, O God. (Celtic Benediction)

It reminded me of some of the lonely, scary nights I had in the hospital.  The days were fine because they were filled with a lot of people and activity.  Alan was with me most days from 8 am until 2 pm and then back with Claire between 7 and 9 pm.  Amy came for a few hours every night, as well. What a loving sacrifice from her.  She had only been married for 6 months and would spend her days at her job at Grant Hospital and her evenings with me at The James or Dodd Hall.   But, after 11pm when things slowed down in the hospital, it was me, my thoughts, my music, my prayers and God.

I would stream music from my phone to a bluetooth speaker I brought with me and during some of the nights when I couldn't sleep well, which was most nights between about April 15 and April 28.  I had a playlist of my favorite hymns that was my go to choice.

• It Is Well With My Soul
• A Mighty Fortress Is Our God
• Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
• Great Is Thy Faithfulness
• The Old Rugged Cross
• How Great Thou Art

These are songs I remember my grandfather singing and have sung a lot myself in church and at Cursillos.  They always took me to a happier time and reminded me who was still in charge.

"It Is Well With My Soul" was one of the first hymns that came into my mind after my diagnosis.  As I explained in this blog post, Jesus told me during my morning prayer the very next morning after my diagnosis that "He's got this" and that promise has held true since that moment.  I've learned that faith isn't digital ie it's on or it's off.  It's much more variable than that.  Sometimes it was full power, total faith, no room for doubt.  But sometimes it was a really weak signal with lots of doubt and fear mixed in.  And, I think God's OK with that as long as I keep seeking Him, no matter how frail my efforts may be.

Many nights I would think of the story of the Cherokee right of passage where the young man is taken into the forest at sundown by his father, blindfolded and left sitting on a stump until the sun rises.  He experiences many fears through the night and when he removes the blindfold in the morning, he realizes his father has been sitting next to him all night.  You can read more about it here.  I felt that way during many scary nights when I was in so much pain and fearful about my recovery.  I knew God was sitting there next to me.  But one night, I started thinking about everyone who was praying for me, thinking about me and sending me positive vibes.  I pictured them as a ring around me on that stump helping to keep anything negative or harmful away from me.  I held on to that image many times through my hospitalization and recovery.

Another memory I have is from a line in "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing".  There's a line that says--"here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."  I remember one night I was pretty doped up on morphine but still in a lot of pain.  When I heard that line I said, "Hey God, while you're in there doing that heart sealing thing, could you maybe work on my liver, kidneys and abdominal swelling?  You know, since you'll have the hood up."  That made me laugh at myself and gave me a little glimmer of hope that I could make it through this with my unique sense of humor still in tact.

Chemo and pain can alter many things but I'm glad my spirit..and sense of humor...have recovered well.