Its been a rough few days of ups and downs. I was in so much abdominal pain on Sunday I could hardly bear it. The borders of my liver were so tender that it even hurt when my shirt brushed against it. Yesterday I was feeling better but this afternoon I was feeling achy, lethargic and my stomach was hurting so bad.
I made a chicken enchilada casserole for dinner but was so afraid to eat it because I didn't want my stomach to hurt more. I had a meltdown in the kitchen while I was cooking, crying and sobbing and arguing with God. I have tried so hard to stay positive and thankful that I'm alive and that my long term prognosis is good but I'm tired of the constant pain that ranges from a dull ache to practically debilitating. Tonight was one of the few times when I got angry with God about how unfair this is. I feel so lacking in faith and trust when I do that.
Claire heard me and came down to give me a hug and some words of encouragement. Alan was at work and I hate when the task of trying to help me deal with my disease falls to Claire. She doesn't mind but its not fair (there's that word again) that a 15-year-old should be the one comforting her mom through this.
I have an appointment with my oncologist on Thursday. I'm hoping she can come up with some answers but I'm not counting on it. As my gastroenterologist said, there's so much going on in my abdomen its hard to know what's causing what.
So I'll appreciate the good days and try to trust God through the tough ones. Please continue to pray for my health, strength, attitude and faith.
1 comment:
Kathy, I meditate for your health every day. Don't be hard on yourself as a parent. You know what's not fair? Growing up in a home where parents don't love enough, drink too much or are mean. You and Alan are great parents and role models to Reid and me. Claire is so lucky to have you - even if she's growing up a little fast in this situation, at least she's growing up very loved and cared for. I'll be thinking of you today and hoping for a better one. xo - Bethy
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