World's Luckiest Guy

World's Luckiest Guy--that's how my husband always described himself to folks when telling them about me and our relationship.  This diagnosis has been hard on him, too.  I remember the day of my diagnosis, before Dr. Levin had said it was amyloidosis, Dr. Levin had called me to say they had identified monoclonal protein in one of my tests.  When I called Al, who is an ICU Nurse and really knowledgeable about the goings on of the body, I heard him start crying on the phone.  We both knew that wasn't good.

We've had periods when one of us would cry, then the other would start and we enter this ongoing loop of tears. Last night at dinner, he was getting on my case for how little I had eaten.  That's been an ongoing refrain in our relationship.  Him thinking I wasn't eating enough and me giving him the Irish diplomat--the ability to tell a man to go to hell so he looks forward to the trip.  Well, last night, I started crying telling him that with all the fluid in my abdomen, I had no room for food and that I knew how important it is for me to gain weight before chemo starts but I just couldn't eat.  I think my contrite attitude made the difference between now and normal even more stark.  He started crying and I told him that I'm looking forward to the day we can get back to normal with him telling me to eat and me telling him to get off my case.

When we were meeting with Dr. Efebera and she was talking with a great deal of certainty that stem cell transplant was an option, I looked over at Alan and he looked like he was about to bust out sobbing.  Which, of course, made me start tearing up.  Good thing Claire wasn't there or she would have been irritated with both of us..."why are you crying if its a good thing?"

He's in for a tough road taking care of me because, as you might imagine, I can get a little cantankerous.  Plus, he's got to manage Claire and the zoo.  But all he's talking about is making sure he will be there with me all the time when I'll be at my weakest.  As he goes through this with me, I hope he continues to think he's the luckiest guy in the world.

It gives me so much confidence knowing that he'll be there to take care of me and look out for me in the hospital.  Not just because he's an ICU nurse and knows a lot of stuff, but because I know he's committed to making sure I survive.  Alan will talk about having critically ill patients that are on the brink of death and how he makes sure they make it through the night..."they're not dying on my watch."  It's who he is and I'm thankful he can direct that commitment toward me.

I've been listening to some old Bruce Springsteen and the song Thunder Road always brings me to tears.  Throughout our relationship, one of the ways Alan and I would get away and connect with each other is by taking a fast car on a drive with the music blaring.  The song captures that feeling and it conjures up the image of the road we're facing together.  When I told him about that tonight and showed him the lyrics he repeated the last line to me...

"It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win."

He was crying and so was I...probably because we're both so lucky.


Thunder Road

The screen door slams 

Mary' dress waves 

Like a vision she dances across the porch 

As the radio plays 

Roy Orbison singing for the lonely 

Hey that's me and I want you only 

Don't turn me home again 

I just can't face myself alone again 

Don't run back inside 

Darling you know just what I'm here for 

So you're scared and you're thinking 

That maybe we ain't that young anymore 

Show a little faith there's magic in the night 

You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright 

Oh and that's alright with me 

You can hide 'neath your covers 

And study your pain 

Make crosses from your lovers 

Throw roses in the rain 

Waste your summer praying in vain 

For a saviour to rise from these streets 

Well now I'm no hero 

That's understood 

All the redemption I can offer girl 

Is beneath this dirty hood 

With a chance to make it good somehow 

Hey what else can we do now ? 

Except roll down the window 

And let the wind blow 

Back your hair 

Well the night's busting open 

These two lanes will take us anywhere 

We got one last chance to make it real 

To trade in these wings on some wheels 

Climb in back 

Heaven's waiting on down the tracks 

Oh-oh come take my hand 

We're riding out tonight to case the promised land 

Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road 

Lying out there like a killer in the sun 

Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run 

Oh Thunder Road sit tight take hold 

Thunder Road 

Well I got this guitar 

And I learned how to make it talk 

And my car's out back 

If you're ready to take that long walk 

From your front porch to my front seat 

The door's open but the ride it ain't free 

And I know you're lonely 

For words that I ain't spoken 

But tonight we'll be free 

All the promises'll be broken 

There were ghosts in the eyes 

Of all the boys you sent away 

They haunt this dusty beach road 

In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets 

They scream your name at night in the street 

Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet 

And in the lonely cool before dawn 

You hear their engines roaring on 

But when you get to the porch they're gone 

On the wind so Mary climb in 

It's town full of losers 

And I'm pulling out of here to win